Do
you ever think about times in your life that you turn a part of
yourself off? Like an override button to allow you to take that
transition into something your reconditioned response would say no to.
The old primitive brain overthrowing the new brain. That old brain is a
force to be reckoned with. Seniority I guess. Hindsight is without a
doubt 20/20. "We, as human beings are desire machines. We fulfill one and move
right on to the next one with a never ending stream of desires." I am
my own biggest hindrance for the most part. A sympathetic morsel feeding your always indulging appetite that screams never enough. Just like the never ending appetite of fire. Think about it, you need to feed a fire or else it will dwindle and eventually extinguish. Nobody really wants to be around when the fire goes out. Anticipate below
the happy medium and expect nothing. The odds are against me. The
chips are stacked high and there is a lot at stake. These years have
worn me thin. A very tired shell of what I once was and yet a heart and
sense of wonder of a child. It's weird that I begin these with a few
sentences and leave them to linger for weeks only to pick it back up a
hundred miles away from where I left off. I am all over the place. An
epitome of a racing mind. Funny how we always know what the right thing
to do is and we opt for what is behind door number two. Even though we
can't see what is behind door number two, we know exactly what it is. I
can talk myself into and outta anything. This cold weather brings back
familiar feelings of waking up with desperation on my shoulders, dictating my agenda. An Arctic tundra encased within myself promoting and producing bad seeds because the soil is frozen. The vision is narrow and it seem that there is only one direction. Gravitating towards those walking in that path. The only thing better than one scheming hijacked brain is two. Exponential growth is always welcomed. Take notice that there are no beware of a knife in the back sign anywhere. DOA, black cobra, fire, undertaker...kinda morbid but so fitting for something that will steal your soul. The sounds of garbage cans emptying at four a.m. Thoughts that my door was going to burst open at any second. The morning comes greeting me at a such an unwanted time to be conscience.
An extreme high rate of anxiety pulsating through my being most of the
time. Fear and loneliness with every ounce of good intentions pushed
down deep for another day. This day has no use for them. Swallowed
whole. Heroin...as if it has some sort of intrinsic value. Stick a cotton ball in the corner of my eye and draw up my tears with a syringe. I'll save it for a later date when I can no longer shed some. Worthless, worthless, this too is worthless!
JG
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